Can’t sleep. I’ve
been tossing around for a couple hours now.
This happens to me sometimes. I
get a lot of anxiety about one thing or another and I let it bother me to the
point that my mind races and keeps me from resting. Tonight I decided to get up and write it
out. Maybe that will help. Why am I anxious tonight? What am I afraid of? It is difficult living here, but I think that
we finally have a handle on the physical day to day stuff…food prep, living
arrangements, housework, etc. But now
reality is beginning to creep into my soul.
Is it doubt? Am I being effective
here as a volunteer in the mission field?
The first few months of school have been a whirlwind of travel,
meetings, observing teachers and discussions.
Now my American mentality begins to ask, “What have you
accomplished?” Well, I’ve met a lot of
teachers and principals. Put out a
couple of surveys and facilitated a workshop on reading comprehension. I’m sure that I could add a couple more
things to the list but my American attitude says, “What have you got to show
for the past 6 months?” I can’t believe
that I was simply distracted by the fast paced newness of it all not to stop
and realize that I wasn’t “accomplishing” anything. What WAS
I doing? Well, I was traveling often to
village schools, meeting, talking, and observing…sharing time with others who I
feel called to minister to in the first place…teachers. These relationships were filling my purpose
and satisfying my soul. In the moment, I
knew it was right. It felt right and He
was leading me places, putting words in my mouth and love in my heart. The Lord was showing me that my trust in Him
is the only way to live and work. It’s
really been only the last several weeks that I have begun to questions
this. It has not been until recently
that I have tried to “evaluate” and “critique” the past few months. Unfortunately, I was using my American
measure for accomplishment rather than my experience of Christ in the
field. Living on donated mission funds,
I find it hard to relax sometimes, feeling like I should be doing something
more with any “free time” I have…trying to give everyone more “bang for their
buck.” It really has been bothering me
lately. Then the anxiety creeps in. Will I be good enough? Will I be able to keep my promises,
appointments, and trust that I have worked to build with others? I am using my American measuring stick to
quantify what I’ve done and what I hope to accomplish by the end of the school
year. God is not interested in the
quantity of our life’s work but the quality of it. Did you build relationships? Did you love one another? Did you witness my love to those around
you? No where does the bible ask us,
“How many things did you accomplish? Did
you cross everything off your list?” If
only we could live and evaluate our lives by our relationships, instead of
fooling ourselves into thinking that we will ever complete our earthly to-do
list. Even if we did, would it matter?
Andy,
ReplyDeleteIt's amazing how the demons of our American culture attack us all. There is truly something evil in it. You are not alone. Just the other night, I asked myself the same questions...and came to the same place. How do we measure each day - by American standards or by Christ? Christ's measure is not easy, by any means. He requires us to love, to love pure and deep, especially those whom we find most hard to love. My friend, I know you. You do love deeply. You are showing love to all whom you meet in Punta Gorda. Love cannot be measured by tasks completed or by goals achieved. Only by your actions and your heart.
Try to release the anxiety. Christ does not will it for you. And know that the work you are doing is measured by eternal standards, not American ones. God bless, my friend.
Jen Meehan
Drew,
ReplyDeleteIf you touch one person's soul each day, you have succeeded each day. If you have made a difference or taught your children one thing each day, you have succeeded.
Many people I know and love here cannot understand what you and your family has gone through since June of last year (and probably even sooner). Just the mere fact that you guys are there at this point in your lives is a huge success. Think of the opportunity you have created for your family. Think of the little things that would not be if you were in the same house as usual. I'm sure they are meny.
Your friends and ministry support you because of who you are, who your family is, and what your intentions are while on your mission trip. No one is keeping tabs on what you are doing. We already know that you and your family will accomplish great things during your stay. Most people I know here in STL have less responsibility and less to worry about than you guys do, but they have not chosen to take this year-long path that you have. That in itself, is worth being proud of. The Kuhnerts are a great family, and all you can do is get up the next day, and continue to do what you think is right, and do what you think makes a difference.
On a side note, I had trouble sleeping last night, too. Perhaps next time I will make the best out of the insomnia and put my thoughts into words. You are even inspiring when you can't sleep. See how you influence others without intention?
Nathan
Andy, I needed to hear this today, even though it's a month after you wrote it. I tend to be hard on myself for not getting more done every day. I'm learning, however, that the things on my to-do list aren't the most important things. Often times, it's the way I treat others while I'm trying to accomplish the to-do items that really matters. I think that's the whole point to Christ's message. Sure, we have to get things done in order to live, but the most important thing is to love others and take time to listen to those around us while we're living. Thanks for all you're doing. God bless. ~Nichole
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