Do you ever give yourself a pat on the back? I know I don't, or at least I very rarely do. Rather, I often spend my time thinking about all the "not good enoughs" in my life: I'm not active enough, I'm not helpful enough, I'm not thankful enough, I'm not nice enough, I'm not giving enough...you get the idea. I very rarely give myself credit for the things that I do do because I always see the human weakness in them. Perhaps I brought dinner to a new mom but there are two other new moms I know whom I've neglected to help. Or I finally sent that long awaited Thank You note but it should've been sent weeks sooner. I think that's one of the biggest, most crippling things that hangs over my head--my inadequacies that really just make me human.
I am not an Evangelical in the religious denomination sense of the word but try to live my life in an evangelizing way. I try to live a life that sets an example to others whom I come in contact with because you never know who and how you are impacting others. I think of that friend who said those simple words that led me to believe I wasn't parenting so terribly bad. Or that person at the store whose smile was so big, I could see her joy radiating right into my own very being. It's those things I try to remember when I go about my own daily ways. I try to remember that although I may often see myself and all my imperfections, I'm still exactly who God made me to be.
Tuesday was one of those rare occurances where I was confronted with that--while I'm nothing special, God proved that He still uses me just the same. Back track two weeks and I was running around frantically trying to put together a care package for dear friends of ours who are missionaries in Belize. I was wrapped up in the busyness of the season and kicking myself for not sending the package sooner so as to assure it would arrive in time for Christmas. I ran into a friend of mine at a store and was telling her about the package I was trying to fill for shipment asap. We then shared pleasantries and went our separate ways. I hadn't thought much of it but aah, that's when God steps in. Inspired by my continual (albeit at times "not enough") efforts to help those in Belize, my friend then went home and nominated me for a local news program's Pay It Forward segment. The next thing I know, on Tuesday a news crew shows up at my door to hand me $500 to "pay it forward" in Belize! I'm elated by all the possibilities that this money can be used for. And really, I could not think of a better Christmas present but somehow I still allowed negativity to creep in.
Obviously, I was very surprised by this attention, especially when I don't feel as though I deserve it. But then again, I don't. After all, it's not about me anyway and really, I've never viewed it as such. After they left, in spite of the fact that this news station found our efforts worthy enough to encourage, I kept thinking about all the "not enoughs". I hadn't gotten service groups committed to delivering supplies for me fast enough, I hadn't mailed checks soon enough, I hadn't touched base with my contacts in Belize often enough. Had I really just allowed this great blessing to somehow feel like a failure in my own eyes??
And then shortly after the news crew left I opened my mail and God had a little message for me. In it was a Thank You note from a friend telling me how touched beyond words she was by a gift bag of goodies I'd left her a week back. Again, it was just something I thought I should've done sooner, but apparently did at just the right time. I did it because a friend had given me the same bag labelled "Mom's Break" filled with different goodies and touched by that, I wanted to do the same to someone else. Here I was already paying it forward and hadn't even acknowledged it. Someone touched me, had an effect on me, and I in turn, touched someone else, had an effect on them, all without fully realizing--until that moment that is.
It's the littlest things we do that set us apart from everyone else. We are, or can be, a living example of God's love to others: in our smile, in the words we speak, in the way we help others, and often times in the most discreet of ways. We never know when God will use our actions to inspire or encourage others but let's try to live our lives in a way that leaves us open to that. I'm nothing special, I'm not holier than though, I'm just a regular mom and wife who chugs away at daily life trying to set an example for others and often times failing in my actions. That's ok. God doesn't want me to be perfect, He knows I can't be but I tend to believe that He delights in our good works, even the simplest ones and He enjoys using us to bless others. Mother Teresa is believed to have said, "we can do no great things, only small things with great love." Let's stop allowing ourselves to be disabled by all the "not good enoughs" in our life and choose to live each moment of each day as an example of God's love. You never know when or how you will impact others whom you come in contact with and you never know how that will in turn, impact others even. So instead of reaching for a bar set too high, I'm going to keep trying my best to be the best example I can be. Not great, not perfect, but hopefully an example that God can be proud of. Because, I never know when, or how I will impact someone next. And in the meantime, I will try to give myself this one time, a pat on the back.
Thank you God for using me in ways I hadn't even realized.
P.S. if you are interested in viewing my story on the news, tune in to St. Louis' Fox 2 news on Thursday Dec. 27 at about 9:55 pm.
Here's the link to the story: http://fox2now.com/2012/12/27/pay-it-forward-kuhnert-family/
